Choosing Hope Over Self-Pity...

God really has a way of reaching us right where we are.  Have you ever noticed that?  Whether it's through the word of a friend, or the Word of God Himself, He knows what we need to hear and when we need to hear it, and He is always faithful to provide.  Through the course of my life, I have felt these moments with Him, but each and every time it happens, it never ceases to amaze me.

I'm struggling still, with my back and my body.  The pain and discomfort is not all the time, thankfully, but I'm aware of it and its limitations with nearly every movement I make each and every day.  Some days I feel the progress, while still others, I feel like I'm closer to the start again.  Some days I feel triumphant while on others, I am full of self-pity.

Last night, I was full of self-pity.

While I am so grateful for the change in me spiritually, sometimes I get so frustrated with the physical end of things that I become overwhelmed with disappointment.  I have always been an athlete, from the time I was a small child clear on through to adulthood, and now that I'm here, unable to do the things I once have, I sometimes feel lost and trapped and wishing I had appreciated what I had when I had it.

But regret is not something God wants us to carry upon our shoulders...

and neither is the state of feeling lost or limited...

...and true to our loving God, this was not a place He was going to let me stay in for long without Him speaking in some way.

My oldest and I were going over a devotional last night...It was about this monkey who had reached his hand inside of a cage to get a banana.  When he went to pull his hand back out, he found he was trapped because the hole was too small for the banana, and he wasn't willing to let go of it.  Therefore, because of his own choice, this monkey had limited himself and became completely unable to move due to his unwillingness to let go.

Immediately, I realized that I am the crazy monkey 

holding on for dear life to that banana.  

God has this freedom that is mine for the taking, even amidst my current situation, but in order to receive it, I need to let go.

I need to accept my current physical state.

I need to give Him my plans.  

Each morning, I tell Him that the day is His...that my life is His to use, but when I hold on to disappointment and am overcome with sadness because I can no longer run or swim like I once loved, I really am not giving Him my day and especially not my life...not entirely.

Who ever wakes up in the morning and excitedly proclaims, "Today, I will give God just a tiny portion of myself"?  I mean, that sounds crazy, doesn't it?
Yet, that's what I'm saying with my reactions:  "Here, God, have all of me, but wait...no, not that...or that...and You can't have that..."

How nuts is it to say to the Creator of all things...

to the One that is All-Knowing...

that you just aren't sure if you can trust His plan?!  

I mean, seriously...do I really think that my plans could ever dare to compete with even a fraction of one of His?
Jeremiah 29:11 states clearly that "[He] knows the plans [He] has for [us].  Plans to prosper [us] and not to harm [us], plans to give [us] hope and a future."
Romans 8:28 goes on to say that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him".  

So what was I worrying about again?  Why am I so bummed out about this and not excited by the hope that He brings through these encouraging words alone?!

It's so easy to get lost when your eyes aren't on Christ.  It's so easy to fall into the trap of self-pity and bitterness and depression when you only look at your plans and don't leave yourself open to the plans of the Almighty One.

Why hold onto the banana, so to speak, 

when God is waiting to give you an infinite supply?

The Lord really moved in me through this whole monkey story last night, but He drove the point home even further this morning through my husband and this verse:

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, 

for my power is made perfect in weakness."  

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, 

so that Christ's power may rest on me.  

That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, 

in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  

For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

His power is resting on my injuries...

As difficult as this journey with my injuries has been, it has really been a gift in disguise.  I may not have what I initially wanted, but I am realizing that I have something far greater than I ever could have imagined.  The Lord has blessed my marriage through this experience, He has prioritized my life, shown me where my faith is weak and has made it far stronger than it ever was before.

Could I have learned these things through a different means?  

Sure, if the Lord had chosen, 

but He knew the best way to reach me, 

and this was it.  

I have always had my identity so deeply engraved in my own athleticism.  When my healing didn't come as quickly as I wanted, I admit, I became lost for a while, but now my identity is in Christ far more greatly than it ever was before.  If God knew this was the best and most effective route, why would I ever want to choose another way?!

Yes, I may be limited physically right now, but the Lord has blown away all of the walls of my self-made spiritual limitations, leaving me with a freedom that stretches farther than the eye can see.

My only choice is to hang on to the One who holds the mightiest plan of all, and for that, this monkey has become more than willing to let go of that once-coveted banana.

Praise You, Jesus, for knowing what was best for me...for not giving me what I was longing for because You had something far far greater planned.  Please help me to keep my eyes on You and Your Word...help me to choose You over self-pity...to remember that You have a plan and a purpose for my life, far greater than any I could ever choose for myself, if I will only open my arms to receive it.  Help me to be an example for my kids...help me to be transparent for them so that they can bare witness to the struggle and see how faith in You triumphs over all.  Help them to remember these days and times with me in this season, and I pray that they will use it to Your glory for their own lives when they find themselves in their own valleys.  Lord, I pray for healing, but more than that, I pray for a complete adherence to Your Will and contentedness no matter the circumstances.  Your will be done, Father.  Praise and glory to Your name for the lessons, even when, in my humanness, I don't want to experience them.  Your Will always be done.  In Jesus' Name.  Amen.

Picture by Len Nguyen via Free Images

Organizational Improvements and Those Crazy Apples Not Falling Far From the Tree...

I've been on my son's case a lot over his organizational challenges and, to a lesser and more proportional extent, I've been on my four year old's case as well.  Everywhere I look, their clothes are strewn about, their rooms are just straight-up disasters, and their chores have all but been abandoned since we hit the holiday season.

 

Yes, disorder and madness seem to sum everything up quite nicely, but as I was driving home from dropping my daughter off at preschool today, frustrated by being "late again", it dawned on me that perhaps the largest reason for their complete rejection of even the idea of organization has everything to do with me.

I try my best here at the house, I really do.  I'm up before 6 during the week, and don't often get a chance to sit down for the night until after 10.  I have, what I feel, is a wonderful balance of work and quality time with each of my three, but I'm now wondering:

Just what might happen if I got my own self organized?  

Would the kids follow suit?  

I mean, after all, I often hear them repeating things I've said or done (all good things, thankfully!).  Wouldn't it then stand to reason that if I got myself in gear that they just might do the same?

I look around this home and yes, while I may work my butt off, it definitely doesn't show in terms of the final home product.  I've been fine with that, for the most part, because I know where my time has been spent.  These kids of ours...these blessings...are happy, healthy, well-adjusted children, who are given the time they need and know how to play and love on their family and, most importantly, God.

I know that the house taking the fall 

in favor of time with the kids has been the right choice, 

but what if there was a better way to spend the time that I do dedicate to housework?

I don't want or need a rigid schedule in my life, but as I take a look around and see our stairs lined sometimes nearly to the top with projects and whatnot...as I go to put the Christmas decorations away and realize that I never even fully put all the Fall ones back...and as I hesitantly cast a glance toward the kitchen sink and see the dishes pouring from it and out onto our counter top, I can't help but think that organization just might be my friend.

So I'll conduct myself a little experiment here:  While I will continue to work on my kids' skills, I think I'll add working on my own to the mix and see how it impacts them.

I think I already know the outcome here.

There was a book I had downloaded onto my phone nearly a year ago by Crystal Paine called Say Goodbye to Survival Mode.  I only made it to chapter four.  I think I'll start there and see what happens.

What about you?  Have you mastered organization or are you more like me?  

Any life hacks for keeping your home and your family organized?  

As I fill out my daughter's preschool tuition payment five days late, 

I'm thinking I could use any advice you care to give!

Pre-K Today, College Tomorrow

To My Girl,

Today was such a big day for you...the first day of Pre-K!  Though, you don't know that just yet.  The word "school" is not exactly the most welcome among your vocabulary so, for weeks, if not months, we have been calling your school by name only: Wonderland.  I mean, seriously, what's not to love about a magical school called Wonderland?!

Honey, I just want you to know that I am so very proud of you...
You're out there doing it...playing with your friends, eagerly pursuing new ones and just so excited to experience the life before you!!

There are so many things I want to tell you, but at the same time, I'm at a complete loss for words.  Just yesterday, it seems, I was holding you in my arms while you slept, because it was the only way you could ever go to sleep.
You're my girl, my mama...we've been best girls since the day you were born...You will forever be all of these things for me.

I want you to know how very much I love you...how honored I feel that God has given me a front row seat to your life.

This next chapter you've just begun is a wonderful one, yet a difficult one for me.  No longer will I know your every waking moment, from sun up to sun down...You're off now, and you're on your way...and I know it may seem silly of me to be so nostalgic over just 2 1/2 hours of your day, but I see your big brother, and I know how quickly the time moves.

I'm in awe of you, you know...God has placed a mighty strength within you that is so plain to see.  You're brilliant, you're feisty, you're loving and caring, and so amazing with your crayons and markers and paints (I love your murals in your room!).  You love your brothers and your family and are so passionate about knowing who God is.  I love everything about you, and I pray with all my heart that you will just let the power and strength and love of the Lord wash over you with each breath you take...letting it flow out to others without ever holding back...even when it may make you different from the rest.  Never hold back who God has given you to be...always let yourself be free, and the world will be such a better place for it!

Well, it's time to pick you up from school now.  I cannot wait to hear how your day has been, my sweet and beautiful girl...I love you with all that I am and ever will be...

Congratulations on this new and wonderful chapter of your life.  Daddy and I are so very proud...

About Me

We live in the new world of social media where everyone else's lives seem so perfectly knit together.  

Stepping out into the actual world just might be worse; Attend a classroom party at your child's school, and you'll quickly realize that somehow you really are the only one who can't get it all together.  

This is my life exposed.  

Where it gets real...and messy...and chaotic sometimes.  

Where the kids won't listen and the housework hasn't been done in weeks 

       and where I didn't get to shower...again.  

People need to see the real.  They need to see what parenting and living a Christian life is really like, with all its struggles and imperfections.  

So here I am, exposing my life so, hopefully, you can find the grace and inspiration you need for your own.

In the Darkest Places of My Pain...

When You don't move the mountains I'm needing You to move...

When You don't part the waters I wish I could walk through...

-Lauren Daigle

In the last 5 months, God has used these lyrics to pull me through, to stand me back up, and to light the fire inside that gives me His hope and strength and renewed perspective. 

...Oh, these last 5 months...how to even tackle that mountain of a tale...

They've been among the toughest I've ever known.

I've seen and felt God change me so drastically amidst it all and, for this, I am so grateful.

...But like it so often goes, if it had been up to me, 

I would've chosen a different way..

an easier way..to achieve this change.  

I can't tell you how glad I am that He didn't leave it up to me..this is the better way..even if it hurts..

I am certainly no stranger to back troubles, but up until this past March, these troubles were so very fleeting, and I would often marvel to myself at how quickly I healed.

Then, this March happened...

                          and along with it, back pain so excruciating, 

it had me writhing in pain through that entire first night.  

Physical therapy was the obvious choice to my doctor, so I willingly went, trusting a bit too naively that this was the answer.  A side note for a moment here...if you ever find yourself in therapy, and an exercise they want you to do is hurting you, STOP...even if they tell you to push on through it, STOP.  Listen to your body and honor your body...You know it better than anyone else...If it feels wrong, don't do it!

For me, it felt wrong...

                              ...but I continued...
...and now I'm at a new place, receiving new treatments, but this time for my spine as well...  

But alas, I digress...

So, these last 5 months have been brutal, at times.

I have soared on hope and promising progress,  

and I have also plummeted in despair and discouragement 

as my back experienced yet another setback.  

One step forward two steps back,
                                                two steps forward, one step back...

...Was I really going anywhere at all?

Pain is never an easy thing...

Pain while you're running a household

                                               and trying to be with your kids...like you always have...

Pain while you long to run again and swim again and be active again...

Pain while you long so much for the life you use to live...

                                    ...the very same life you now realize you took for granted...

Yes, pain can be complete and utter agony.

It's scary...
                 When will it end?  
                                            What if it gets worse?  
                                                                                What if I'm always like this?  

What if it's because of something else...something more serious?

It's lonely...
                   ...as you watch people continue on with their lives (as they should)...

...as you try to explain to them how you're feeling, 

all the while knowing that very few can completely understand but only try to... 

It's frustrating...
                             ...as you look at your children you want so very much to pick up...
...as you see your now cluttered home...and the bathrooms that don't get cleaned...and the laundry and dishes that don't get washed because it's so uncomfortable and often painful to do so..

Yes, pain can be a very frightening, isolating, exasperatingly depressing thing to go through, and my heart goes out to each and everyone of you that are going through it.

But don't forget...as much as pain, indeed, can be these burdensome things, 

there is One Who is waiting to take these burdens 

from each and every one of us.

This One is Jesus.

And will He heal you?  Absolutely!

But He also teaches us patience and faith...

...faith even when healing might not come right away...

not next week...

...or next month...

...or even next year!  

It might not even be something that comes on this side of Heaven, quite honestly, but it will come...and His timing will be perfect when it does...

Someday we will see it and understand and agree He had the best plan all along.

See, rather than heal us of our pain in the way we think we need it most, God is actively at work on things within us that we often cannot see...things that need His attention far more than we are able to understand just yet.

I know for a certainty that, although it can be difficult for me to thank God in the middle of my pain,

He is doing a good work in me through this, and He will not stop until it is complete.  
(my paraphrase from Philippians 1:6)

It is within this that I find hope.

I may not get my healing for months or years or not until I am with my Sweet Lord in Heaven, but I will get it...and until then, I rest in the awesome comfort that He is doing something incredible in me right now.

In my weakest moments...in my deepest pain and discomfort, He is right there with me feeling it too and holding me and brushing my hair back with His hand, just like my mother did when I was a child.

And I know...I just know...that everything is going to be alright.

Won't you let Jesus be your hope and comfort today?  No matter what you may be going through...it can't be done alone.  Let Him comfort you in your darkest places...He's longing to meet you there..if only you'll call on His Name.

Hasty Parenting = Hurtful Parenting

The Lord is my passion...the Lord first, and then my family.

I want more than anything to please Him and to love my family the way He created me and entrusted me to do so.

And I try...I really, really try,
                      and I believe that quite often, I am right on the mark,
but tonight, I'm realizing that I'm so far from where and who I thought I was.

Instead of love and acceptance, I've served criticism and rejection...

Instead of showing a heart full of unconditional love, 

I've taught more of a works-based love.

I thought I was giving unconditional love, I really and truly did...but, true to the Lord, He has lifted the veil from my eyes and shown me that, while that may be what I strive for and even teach with my words, that is not what I've shown with my heart.

We are a family of five.  My husband works two jobs so that I can stay home with the kids.

He is tired.
                  I am tired.

There is a laundry list of items that never get checked as "completed" (especially the laundry)!
Some nights the kids are screaming, everybody needs me at once, my back is hurting...and I get controlling.

Instead of seeing life through their eyes, I see it through mine, and all I want to do is control what's happening.  They don't listen (because, well, they're kids and they're learning) and before I know it, I've said something I shouldn't have said.
No, I'm not calling them names or streaming out insults, but I am reacting so quickly in a negative way that I've made them feel poorly about themselves instead of good.
Oh, it could be anything...my son tonight, for example, used a hand towel to wipe out our disgusting sink and then hung it back up for us to wipe our hands with.  Instead of focusing on his helping heart, I'd already zeroed in on the gross hand towel now hanging for all to use.  I'm reacting to that and have let his well-intended deed feel more like an embarrassment for him.

It's things like that that I'm talking about.  

Things that happen so quickly that it's too late to take back,
no matter how many compliments I try to bathe it in afterwards.

I love my children so incredibly much, but I feel sometimes like all I do is mess up, and mess up, and mess up.

I am so thankful to God that I don't have to bear this burden of my own mistakes.

I am so thankful to God that He is easier on me than I am on my own children.  

I am so thankful to God for unconditional, perfect perfect love, 

and second and third and fourth chances....

...and I am especially thankful that He works for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28)...

....and though I may flail and falter as a mother, 

I am not messing them up...

because He will take these mistakes of mine and 

help to shape these three amazing children of HIS to His glory. 

Does that mean I should continue to react so quickly and, sadly, so harshly?
Certainly not!

But it does mean that I can go to God, thank Him for showing me the error of my ways, seek His forgiveness, and then try again.

Knowing that God will work His good amidst my mess, 

gives me the relief I need 

to free myself from this burden 

and be the mom these kids need me to be.

What about you?  What are your weak spots as a parent?  A sibling?  A child?  A friend?

Bring your weakness (and your guilt) to the Lord today.  He will work His perfection through our faults and give you the hope you need to try again...yet not of our own strength...but His, and His alone.

Dear Lord,
I have been such a fool for the way I have treated the ones You have given me to love the most after You.  I'm so sorry for being a stumbling block when I wanted to be a stepping stone...I'm so sorry for not loving unconditionally, but projecting a spirit of works-based love instead.  I'm so sorry for bringing anxiety instead of peace and acceptance and open love and warmth.  Please forgive me, Lord, for not being the parent You have created me to be.  Thank You, Lord, that I am a work in progress...and for not leaving me here like this.  Thank You for Your compassion, for Your acceptance of me just like I am, even when I am hurting the very ones You have given me to protect and love and care for.  Please help me to be more like You, Lord.  Help me to love unconditionally...to be quick to listen and slow to react and to speak.  Help the words and the actions I speak to be those of love, acceptance and encouragement.  I want so much for these kids to feel good when they are with me, and confident of who they are...I want them to know that I am here for them and that I love and accept and want for them in the very same way that You do for me.  Help me to be Your face and to be it so very well.  Help the way I live and love and act towards them to make them want to know You more than ever.  I love You, my Father.  Your will be done.  In Jesus' sweet Name, I pray.  Amen.

Graduation and Letting Go...

Just yesterday, my son graduated from elementary school.

For those of you who have "been there", you know how emotional this can be...

For those who are heading in that direction with your own, 

I'd love to advise you to brace yourselves, 

but in all reality, there's no bracing for these things..

and, to be honest,
I don't think I would want to...not for something like this,

because to brace myself would mean to hold back parts of my heart 

so I didn't feel the emotional pangs of letting go, 

and I don't ever want to do that.  

I am still grappling to understand how my baby is already moving up to middle school...and I am floored on a near-daily basis over the realization that he really is moving further and further away from that baby boy I once held in my arms and yet, at the same time, not at all.

It is hard coming to terms with that and even harder to accept that there's nothing I can do about it except let him go and make the most of every possible opportunity I have been given to be with him.

So, I've basically been an emotional blubber of tears these past few weeks...I'm not gonna lie.  I'm so proud, so grateful, so honored, so blessed to be his mom.  It all is just going so quickly.

I'd just like to hit the pause button once in a while 

so that I can absorb it all just a little bit more deeply before heading on.  

It seems like only yesterday that I was chasing after him as he learned to walk, ready to catch him at a moment's notice.  Sometimes now, I feel like I'm running just to catch up, and I know that day is coming soon, where I'll stop running altogether, catch my breath and sigh a bittersweet sigh over the realization that it's time to let him go on his own.  Oh yes, I'll still be there, of that you can be sure, and I know that he will always need me and I will always be there to catch him at a moment's notice, but life is different now...the seasons, they change so quickly...and I just couldn't be any prouder of this young man he is becoming.

I've already written him a his graduation letter, but in my heart calls another:

Poppy,

I'm so very proud of you...so amazed by who you already are and who you're becoming...

I sure can't stop you from growing up, nor would I want to, but let me tell you that this all is so much harder than I ever dreamed and yet so worth it.

Every day, I let go a little more, as I should, but every day I also love you more than all the other days combined.

I can't wait to see all that you become...I can't wait to cheer for you in your successes and cheer you on when the successes aren't as forthcoming.  I have told you before, and I say it again:  You are my physical evidence of the Lord's grace...my gift undeserved but granted all the same.

Thank you for the honor of being your mother...thank you for the privilege of knowing your life the way you have let me...

Follow the Lord's Path...seek it out at all costs...even, and especially when it feels like everyone around you is walking in the opposite direction.  Some of your closest friends may fall and turn...but you, my love...keep pressing onward and forward towards His Kingdom, and surround yourself with godly influences to help you along your way, guarding your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.

I love you, Poppy...

Congratulations again on this new chapter in your life...