Goodbye to Blogging

...Bye Bye, Blogging!
At least to how I've known it so far.  

Up until now, I've been writing for an audience..or one I was trying to attract anyways...after all, I started this whole thing in the hopes of making a buck or two.  My husband is the sole income provider in this home, and I was hoping to bring in enough that would keep him from a second job.

Somewhere in the midst of it all though, I'd say right around summer, priorities changed from post deadlines and social media to my kids and I just never looked back.

That isn't to say that those that do both have their priorities out of whack, it just means they were able to do it where I could not, and I'm alright with that!

So I'm changing my whole approach to blogging...I'm still going to do it, but I'm blogging for myself and for my kids with the stories I'll keep for them within the contents of this blog...

I'll post when I feel like it and not when my schedule says I should, and I'll just enjoy that I'm storing up memories for them rather than worrying about numbers and who's seen what of mine on social media...maybe this will be something I pursue later when my kids are in school, but I'm alright with it if it's not.

Farewell, Audience Writing! 
I'm turning a new page now.

Photo by Skyro via Free Images

Confronting Your Fears

Some pretty incredible things are going down over here in our household...things that I am not yet at liberty to speak of, but I assure you, I will.

These very same beautiful things, however, are obligating me to face  my deepest darkest fears.  Oh sure, we all have them to some degree or another.  For me, I'm usually quite able to tuck them away without really having to deal with them at all.  In fact, I have had it tucked away for so long that I really was unaware of the power I'd given it over me until recently.

Before I ever even lifted my head off the pillow, mornings had taken to greeting me with a sour cup of dread and anxiety.  Over and over I prayed, but nothing seemed to be reaching me.

But then...a verse....and the walls of fear that had started to close in on me began to crumble:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace 

as you trust Him; 

so that you will overflow with hope 

by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15:13  

There's so much power in trusting Him...so much more powerful than fear could ever be.

It is only when we trust Him that that the walls can begin to crumble...and like the morning sun finding it's way through the cracks in my blinds, I found that I was soon able to hear God more clearly:

Don't worry about whether what you fear will come to pass or not, 

you're looking too far ahead...

Look at what I'm telling you in My Word...

and trust Me to overcome your anxiety.  

What I had wanted was a solution and a promise, absolving me of my fear of the unknown, but what I gained was a deep trust that God will hold me in peace right here.  Right now. He will take care of me always, and I've no doubt or hesitation about it...not for one minute

Oh, I'm sure anxieties will come and go, but I know that my King will overcome every time.  I know that all He's looking for is my trust in Him, and He will supply me with all joy and peace...not some, not just a little, or even enough, but all.  That's huge, and it's His promise.

So I've traded in my anxiety, my deepest darkest fear, in favor of a conscious and deliberate focus and effort to trust in my Lord.

What about you?  

What fears are crippling your life...

keeping you away from what God wants to give to you?  

God promises to release you of all this...and He's the only one that could ever make good on such a promise.

Give Him your trust and attention, 

and just see how He, in turn, speaks to you.

photo credit: Achint Thomas via Flickr

My Break From Blogging

Alright, alright, I'm back...but I'm not going to lie, coming back hasn't been easy.

Those last couple of weeks before school were simply delightful, if I may say so myself!
I thought nothing of the blog and how was I going to fit it in amid the rest of life's responsibilities,

I just.  

Simply.  

Was.

....with my kids...with my husband, with whatever was going on with the day...

and let me tell you, being that way is a hard way to shake off!  

But I'm back...

I'm just really really hoping that my being in each of life's most beautiful moments never gets overlooked again...

because, truly...

once you're there, 

living like that, with eyes on God...

there's just no reason to be any other way.

Talk to you guys soon...

I Lost My Sister...

Technically, she's not my sister, she's my cousin, but my heart has never known the difference.

Born 6 months apart and living only 10 miles away, growing up for me was just amazing.  If she wasn't over at my house, then I was at hers.  We did everything together, sharing our secrets and our hearts like only best friends can do...hey, we even hung out together when one had to go to the bathroom..THAT'S how close we were (and perhaps how disgusting we were too!).

But I lost her..somewhere along this path in life, I lost her...

and I don't know if I'll ever find her again. 

To be honest, I'm not even sure when it happened.  We didn't fade out during high school or college...or even those years that followed, when she traveled the world, and we both eventually called opposite sides of the country our home.

No, it was sometime after that...when we both moved closer to home...and, it breaks my heart over and over again.  It breaks my heart to see her at family parties and not know what to say.  It breaks my heart to know that we are so uncomfortable around each other that eye contact is ..well, unnatural...and our obligatory "hello/goodbye" conversations are simply disconnected and superficial.

How did we ever get to here?  I'm grappling to understand this.

Gone are the girls who once knew each other so well..who knew how to make each other laugh and comfort each other when we cried.... It's such a tragic and confusing void for me, because I don't even know what happened.  Perhaps, then, I would find the closure my heart aches for though, trust me, I've openly tried to understand.  I've worn my heart on my sleeve for her, but there are still no answers.

So many invitations to coffee turned down, so many blatant conversations about my missing her politely noted and received, yet nothing in return.

I'm trying to move on, 

I'm trying to move past, 

but she

is

 my sister.  

To me, she will always be.  

Sadly, I've lost my sister...but how do I walk away when I can still see her right there...I guess I keep hoping for that one day when she lets me in again...when I get to know what her life is really like.  She was my best best friend...there was none closer..and yet, as I looked at her today, I've realized that the only things I know of her anymore are based on the memories we once shared.

I miss her... 

I've lost my sister.

Yes..

but is there a reason I did? 

I'm coming to peace now 

with the knowledge that I may never understand...

I'm astounded to accept that I have to lay this relationship to rest now.  Maybe someday it will be revived, but today...today I have to leave it behind...as I walk deliberately forward into the arms and the lives of those who truly do love me and want to know me.

Goodbye, Beans...I hope someday that you will know my kids and that I'll know yours...I hope someday to say hi to you and see my old friend again.  I couldn't possibly explain how terribly much I miss you, and how terribly sad I am to let you go.  

Image by Hajnalka Ardai via Free Images

Living in the Moment

So much has changed in my life...transformed, really...and right before my very eyes.  This summer, I can honestly say that I have let everything go, in terms of control and a tight schedule to maintain.

Don't get me wrong, there has been carting around to this camp and to that one for most of the summer, but something has been different this time around.

I'm no longer that haggled mom, running around with her head cut off 

because the house is a mess 

and I feel like I've failed my kids for not having star-quality activities every moment of every day.  

I've just come to this point where I've stopped doing things from my own strength...I've stopped striving and struggling and have learned to just go where God is leading...to allow Him to open my eyes to what He so generously has chosen for me to see.

It's ridiculous to hear me say it now, but I seriously felt like the key to a successful summer was tied into that whole bucket list idea I wrote about a couple months ago.

I thought, if we completed the list, it would equate to an amazing summer, 

but nothing within that bucket list itself could have ever compared 

to the amazement of having learned 

to just be in the moment with my kids.  

What a gift to be a stay-at-home mom...Yes, it's a lot of work, and yes I have had an overabundance of lessons in the area of patience and wisdom of speech, but man, what a blessing.

I've never been so content in my life since having given over my plans and ideas of structure to God...

What He's done with them in turn, there's just no words for...

Is Your Faith Real, or Just a Facade?

To look at me, 

you'd hopefully never think me capable 

of the hardcore bad choices I have made in my life...

...the kind of bad choices that most have the common sense to avoid.  

Since coming from those places, I have often looked back and marveled at how, despite these wildly sinful choices, my faith and relationship with Christ had remained so strong and solid.  I didn't understand how it was that I could be so strong in this area of my life and yet make choices that were blatantly against Christ's teachings.

It is only now that I am able to understand:

It wasn't that my faith was so strong, 

it was that I had created a whole facade of deep faith 

in order to allow myself to continue doing the wrong things that I was doing.  

This "faith" was a shell I hid behind...my faith and long conversations with God back then were more about clearing my name.

I was fooling myself.  

I knew what faith should look like, and I modeled it well enough that I somehow had fooled my own self.

I'd played the role of faithfulness like a part in a play, but Christ was not center stage, and He most certainly was not the star of my show.

I'd painted a picture to hide behind, but I was not behind my faith.  

I needed a place to obscure my real self, because to see who I actually was would have meant that I needed to change, 

and I didn't want to change, really...

After all, back then, it was not Christ I was serving...

it was myself ...

...and it was Satan, though I hotly denied it!

I have a deep relief in knowing that the faiths were different between now and then, because I'd been a little nervous all along that I would somehow become that person once again.  I'm so grateful to God and His faithful mercies....so grateful for showing me the difference... so grateful for the relief He has provided my heart in this revelation, even though I don't deserve it and, quite frankly, never will.

It is ever important to live in genuine faith...

to roll up your sleeves and get behind it...to deeply live it....

to not allow yourself to live the smoke and mirrors life that I had lived for so long.  

If you are there now and are just starting to wake up to where you've allowed yourself to go, you know what I'm referring to.

Or perhaps you are in the place I once was, with a faith that seems so deeply intact but a lifestyle and consequent choices that can't help but make the abyss of your faith so blatantly obvious.

Open your eyes...

WAKE UP!!

There's no time for this...

Roll up your sleeves and dive back into the faith you've been telling yourself you've been living but deep in your heart, you've known...you've just known...that you have not.

Let the excuses you've strung yourself along with for so long fall by the wayside...you know, the ones that have brought you down a path you so urgently felt Him telling you not to take in the beginning of it all...If you sit still and listen, I bet you can still hear His voice calling you...if only but a whisper...

Wake up...wake up and turn around....

He is right there waiting to lead you back out.  

You don't belong down that dark and lonely road 

that you've tried to paint with flowers and sunshine any more than I did.  

Wake up and turn...it's time.

Dirty Kids, Messy Home...Happy Life. Why Letting Go Is The Best Thing You Could Ever Do For Your Family.

Maybe it comes from all those beautiful summers as a child where both days and nights seemed endless,
but every summer since my first was born, I seem to be under some unbroken illusion that I will finally have the time to complete those projects I've been meaning to get to all year long...

You'd think I'd learn after nearly a decade, but ever the optimist,  I've held onto the hope that big things will happen each summer!!

What I'm really starting to realize now is that they are happening...

just not in the way I'd expected.  

Instead of a finally neat home,
                                      I find it's way messier..

Instead of cleaner kids,
                              they are definitely dirtier...

Dinner before 6:30?
                                 Ha!
                                         Try 7:30...and even 8:30 sometimes!

It would seem I'm moving away from my goals, 

but I've realized I'm closer to them than I ever was before...

See, the house is messier,
                                   the kids stinkier,
                                                         the dinners later,

because I've dropped my plans and let God lead. 

...And He's led me straight to my kids!  

Yeah, we might still be trying to get to that bucket list I wrote about at the start of summer, but we've been places, and we've done things, and we've just enjoyed being together.

I've got a neighbor that is in his 80's.  His wife passed on, and his children live elsewhere, so he lives alone.

Sometimes when life has been especially busy, and I look out the window at his house where he is often lounging on his front porch,

I realize that his home is probably super neat, 

his projects so done

and his dinner promptly eaten,

but I can't help but think how he must long for what I have:

the endless shouts and squeals bouncing off my walls, 

the children a mess from puddle splashing and dirt digging, 

the house a wreck because we are too busy being together, 

the dinner late because we just didn't feel like coming inside yet...

Hopefully one day I'll get the chance to grow old like this man has, and I'm sure my home will be neat and my projects done with me looking for others to do,
but more than anything,

I know I'll be longing for the loudness in my house...

the endless squeals of laughter from my children...

and I just thank God that I've come to understand this now...

...that I've learned to let the plans go and just delight in where the Lord leads, messy house, dirty and unfed kids and all...

Praise be that He gets it right every time...

and thank God that I'm starting to listen and to follow!