Hasty Parenting = Hurtful Parenting

The Lord is my passion...the Lord first, and then my family.

I want more than anything to please Him and to love my family the way He created me and entrusted me to do so.

And I try...I really, really try,
                      and I believe that quite often, I am right on the mark,
but tonight, I'm realizing that I'm so far from where and who I thought I was.

Instead of love and acceptance, I've served criticism and rejection...

Instead of showing a heart full of unconditional love, 

I've taught more of a works-based love.

I thought I was giving unconditional love, I really and truly did...but, true to the Lord, He has lifted the veil from my eyes and shown me that, while that may be what I strive for and even teach with my words, that is not what I've shown with my heart.

We are a family of five.  My husband works two jobs so that I can stay home with the kids.

He is tired.
                  I am tired.

There is a laundry list of items that never get checked as "completed" (especially the laundry)!
Some nights the kids are screaming, everybody needs me at once, my back is hurting...and I get controlling.

Instead of seeing life through their eyes, I see it through mine, and all I want to do is control what's happening.  They don't listen (because, well, they're kids and they're learning) and before I know it, I've said something I shouldn't have said.
No, I'm not calling them names or streaming out insults, but I am reacting so quickly in a negative way that I've made them feel poorly about themselves instead of good.
Oh, it could be anything...my son tonight, for example, used a hand towel to wipe out our disgusting sink and then hung it back up for us to wipe our hands with.  Instead of focusing on his helping heart, I'd already zeroed in on the gross hand towel now hanging for all to use.  I'm reacting to that and have let his well-intended deed feel more like an embarrassment for him.

It's things like that that I'm talking about.  

Things that happen so quickly that it's too late to take back,
no matter how many compliments I try to bathe it in afterwards.

I love my children so incredibly much, but I feel sometimes like all I do is mess up, and mess up, and mess up.

I am so thankful to God that I don't have to bear this burden of my own mistakes.

I am so thankful to God that He is easier on me than I am on my own children.  

I am so thankful to God for unconditional, perfect perfect love, 

and second and third and fourth chances....

...and I am especially thankful that He works for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28)...

....and though I may flail and falter as a mother, 

I am not messing them up...

because He will take these mistakes of mine and 

help to shape these three amazing children of HIS to His glory. 

Does that mean I should continue to react so quickly and, sadly, so harshly?
Certainly not!

But it does mean that I can go to God, thank Him for showing me the error of my ways, seek His forgiveness, and then try again.

Knowing that God will work His good amidst my mess, 

gives me the relief I need 

to free myself from this burden 

and be the mom these kids need me to be.

What about you?  What are your weak spots as a parent?  A sibling?  A child?  A friend?

Bring your weakness (and your guilt) to the Lord today.  He will work His perfection through our faults and give you the hope you need to try again...yet not of our own strength...but His, and His alone.

Dear Lord,
I have been such a fool for the way I have treated the ones You have given me to love the most after You.  I'm so sorry for being a stumbling block when I wanted to be a stepping stone...I'm so sorry for not loving unconditionally, but projecting a spirit of works-based love instead.  I'm so sorry for bringing anxiety instead of peace and acceptance and open love and warmth.  Please forgive me, Lord, for not being the parent You have created me to be.  Thank You, Lord, that I am a work in progress...and for not leaving me here like this.  Thank You for Your compassion, for Your acceptance of me just like I am, even when I am hurting the very ones You have given me to protect and love and care for.  Please help me to be more like You, Lord.  Help me to love unconditionally...to be quick to listen and slow to react and to speak.  Help the words and the actions I speak to be those of love, acceptance and encouragement.  I want so much for these kids to feel good when they are with me, and confident of who they are...I want them to know that I am here for them and that I love and accept and want for them in the very same way that You do for me.  Help me to be Your face and to be it so very well.  Help the way I live and love and act towards them to make them want to know You more than ever.  I love You, my Father.  Your will be done.  In Jesus' sweet Name, I pray.  Amen.

Graduation and Letting Go...

Just yesterday, my son graduated from elementary school.

For those of you who have "been there", you know how emotional this can be...

For those who are heading in that direction with your own, 

I'd love to advise you to brace yourselves, 

but in all reality, there's no bracing for these things..

and, to be honest,
I don't think I would want to...not for something like this,

because to brace myself would mean to hold back parts of my heart 

so I didn't feel the emotional pangs of letting go, 

and I don't ever want to do that.  

I am still grappling to understand how my baby is already moving up to middle school...and I am floored on a near-daily basis over the realization that he really is moving further and further away from that baby boy I once held in my arms and yet, at the same time, not at all.

It is hard coming to terms with that and even harder to accept that there's nothing I can do about it except let him go and make the most of every possible opportunity I have been given to be with him.

So, I've basically been an emotional blubber of tears these past few weeks...I'm not gonna lie.  I'm so proud, so grateful, so honored, so blessed to be his mom.  It all is just going so quickly.

I'd just like to hit the pause button once in a while 

so that I can absorb it all just a little bit more deeply before heading on.  

It seems like only yesterday that I was chasing after him as he learned to walk, ready to catch him at a moment's notice.  Sometimes now, I feel like I'm running just to catch up, and I know that day is coming soon, where I'll stop running altogether, catch my breath and sigh a bittersweet sigh over the realization that it's time to let him go on his own.  Oh yes, I'll still be there, of that you can be sure, and I know that he will always need me and I will always be there to catch him at a moment's notice, but life is different now...the seasons, they change so quickly...and I just couldn't be any prouder of this young man he is becoming.

I've already written him a his graduation letter, but in my heart calls another:

Poppy,

I'm so very proud of you...so amazed by who you already are and who you're becoming...

I sure can't stop you from growing up, nor would I want to, but let me tell you that this all is so much harder than I ever dreamed and yet so worth it.

Every day, I let go a little more, as I should, but every day I also love you more than all the other days combined.

I can't wait to see all that you become...I can't wait to cheer for you in your successes and cheer you on when the successes aren't as forthcoming.  I have told you before, and I say it again:  You are my physical evidence of the Lord's grace...my gift undeserved but granted all the same.

Thank you for the honor of being your mother...thank you for the privilege of knowing your life the way you have let me...

Follow the Lord's Path...seek it out at all costs...even, and especially when it feels like everyone around you is walking in the opposite direction.  Some of your closest friends may fall and turn...but you, my love...keep pressing onward and forward towards His Kingdom, and surround yourself with godly influences to help you along your way, guarding your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.

I love you, Poppy...

Congratulations again on this new chapter in your life...

The Tug...Responding When God Calls

I know He wants me writing...I think about it innumerable times each day...

....but I'm so busy....

Every morning I sit in my daughter's room while she is still asleep in mine...I draw the shades and look at the sky while I have my time with God....

And I tell Him...

"Whatever You want me to do Lord, I'll do it..."

...but you see, I'm so so tired...

Life truly is an amazing journey, and I love the living and the loving and the busy days I spend with and for my children and husband, for my God.

Yet I am so so tired...  

I have found myself injured on and off for the better part of a year now, with the 9 months prior to that being in the marvelous throes of pregnancy...I've loved being pregnant with my third and I've loved every newborn moment of this last year with my third and my other two beloveds. 

Still, I am just so tired...

...and the being injured...next to the sleepless nights given by my precious smallest one, the being injured part has been laborious to endure...
While I have certainly improved, I am still on the road to recovery and it has been hard.  The discomfort constantly reminds me that I'm not wholly myself , and the sleepless nights coupled with this injury well, they're enough to test even the most hardcore among us...

And yet still I hear Him unmistakably, in my heart, telling me to write...

And so I am...

...not as quickly as He has nudged me, though I'd like to say I responded so...

...but I am here now...and I'm ready to hear what He's been waiting to say...

Speak, Lord...Your servant is listening...

Picture via YouVersion Bible App

Goodbye to Blogging

...Bye Bye, Blogging!
At least to how I've known it so far.  

Up until now, I've been writing for an audience..or one I was trying to attract anyways...after all, I started this whole thing in the hopes of making a buck or two.  My husband is the sole income provider in this home, and I was hoping to bring in enough that would keep him from a second job.

Somewhere in the midst of it all though, I'd say right around summer, priorities changed from post deadlines and social media to my kids and I just never looked back.

That isn't to say that those that do both have their priorities out of whack, it just means they were able to do it where I could not, and I'm alright with that!

So I'm changing my whole approach to blogging...I'm still going to do it, but I'm blogging for myself and for my kids with the stories I'll keep for them within the contents of this blog...

I'll post when I feel like it and not when my schedule says I should, and I'll just enjoy that I'm storing up memories for them rather than worrying about numbers and who's seen what of mine on social media...maybe this will be something I pursue later when my kids are in school, but I'm alright with it if it's not.

Farewell, Audience Writing! 
I'm turning a new page now.

Photo by Skyro via Free Images

Confronting Your Fears

Some pretty incredible things are going down over here in our household...things that I am not yet at liberty to speak of, but I assure you, I will.

These very same beautiful things, however, are obligating me to face  my deepest darkest fears.  Oh sure, we all have them to some degree or another.  For me, I'm usually quite able to tuck them away without really having to deal with them at all.  In fact, I have had it tucked away for so long that I really was unaware of the power I'd given it over me until recently.

Before I ever even lifted my head off the pillow, mornings had taken to greeting me with a sour cup of dread and anxiety.  Over and over I prayed, but nothing seemed to be reaching me.

But then...a verse....and the walls of fear that had started to close in on me began to crumble:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace 

as you trust Him; 

so that you will overflow with hope 

by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15:13  

There's so much power in trusting Him...so much more powerful than fear could ever be.

It is only when we trust Him that that the walls can begin to crumble...and like the morning sun finding it's way through the cracks in my blinds, I found that I was soon able to hear God more clearly:

Don't worry about whether what you fear will come to pass or not, 

you're looking too far ahead...

Look at what I'm telling you in My Word...

and trust Me to overcome your anxiety.  

What I had wanted was a solution and a promise, absolving me of my fear of the unknown, but what I gained was a deep trust that God will hold me in peace right here.  Right now. He will take care of me always, and I've no doubt or hesitation about it...not for one minute

Oh, I'm sure anxieties will come and go, but I know that my King will overcome every time.  I know that all He's looking for is my trust in Him, and He will supply me with all joy and peace...not some, not just a little, or even enough, but all.  That's huge, and it's His promise.

So I've traded in my anxiety, my deepest darkest fear, in favor of a conscious and deliberate focus and effort to trust in my Lord.

What about you?  

What fears are crippling your life...

keeping you away from what God wants to give to you?  

God promises to release you of all this...and He's the only one that could ever make good on such a promise.

Give Him your trust and attention, 

and just see how He, in turn, speaks to you.

photo credit: Achint Thomas via Flickr

My Break From Blogging

Alright, alright, I'm back...but I'm not going to lie, coming back hasn't been easy.

Those last couple of weeks before school were simply delightful, if I may say so myself!
I thought nothing of the blog and how was I going to fit it in amid the rest of life's responsibilities,

I just.  

Simply.  

Was.

....with my kids...with my husband, with whatever was going on with the day...

and let me tell you, being that way is a hard way to shake off!  

But I'm back...

I'm just really really hoping that my being in each of life's most beautiful moments never gets overlooked again...

because, truly...

once you're there, 

living like that, with eyes on God...

there's just no reason to be any other way.

Talk to you guys soon...

I Lost My Sister...

Technically, she's not my sister, she's my cousin, but my heart has never known the difference.

Born 6 months apart and living only 10 miles away, growing up for me was just amazing.  If she wasn't over at my house, then I was at hers.  We did everything together, sharing our secrets and our hearts like only best friends can do...hey, we even hung out together when one had to go to the bathroom..THAT'S how close we were (and perhaps how disgusting we were too!).

But I lost her..somewhere along this path in life, I lost her...

and I don't know if I'll ever find her again. 

To be honest, I'm not even sure when it happened.  We didn't fade out during high school or college...or even those years that followed, when she traveled the world, and we both eventually called opposite sides of the country our home.

No, it was sometime after that...when we both moved closer to home...and, it breaks my heart over and over again.  It breaks my heart to see her at family parties and not know what to say.  It breaks my heart to know that we are so uncomfortable around each other that eye contact is ..well, unnatural...and our obligatory "hello/goodbye" conversations are simply disconnected and superficial.

How did we ever get to here?  I'm grappling to understand this.

Gone are the girls who once knew each other so well..who knew how to make each other laugh and comfort each other when we cried.... It's such a tragic and confusing void for me, because I don't even know what happened.  Perhaps, then, I would find the closure my heart aches for though, trust me, I've openly tried to understand.  I've worn my heart on my sleeve for her, but there are still no answers.

So many invitations to coffee turned down, so many blatant conversations about my missing her politely noted and received, yet nothing in return.

I'm trying to move on, 

I'm trying to move past, 

but she

is

 my sister.  

To me, she will always be.  

Sadly, I've lost my sister...but how do I walk away when I can still see her right there...I guess I keep hoping for that one day when she lets me in again...when I get to know what her life is really like.  She was my best best friend...there was none closer..and yet, as I looked at her today, I've realized that the only things I know of her anymore are based on the memories we once shared.

I miss her... 

I've lost my sister.

Yes..

but is there a reason I did? 

I'm coming to peace now 

with the knowledge that I may never understand...

I'm astounded to accept that I have to lay this relationship to rest now.  Maybe someday it will be revived, but today...today I have to leave it behind...as I walk deliberately forward into the arms and the lives of those who truly do love me and want to know me.

Goodbye, Beans...I hope someday that you will know my kids and that I'll know yours...I hope someday to say hi to you and see my old friend again.  I couldn't possibly explain how terribly much I miss you, and how terribly sad I am to let you go.  

Image by Hajnalka Ardai via Free Images